Life as a Working Mommy

I'm kind of getting used to this routine. Wake up by 6:40 at the latest (and that's REALLY late, because I'm supposed to be dropping Little Man off by 7), get the baby ready, get myself ready, get out the door, drop him off, go to work. I enjoy my job…most days. I really like my job, but if I'm low on sleep like I was last night due to Steve's snoring, then the day is long. I am SO grateful for the increase in hours, the chance to be useful, and the extra money coming into the house. Still, I have to remind myself that all temporal blessings still come from God, and to not be dismayed by what I don't have. We're talking about that in class right now, the naturalist POV versus the Christian POV. Christians know that this is not all there is, so we live life with an expectation of experiencing something outside of what we can physically feel. We're having a discussion about how Christians and Naturalists approach the subjects of career and money, and I'm learning some valuable things. I finally feel like I'm in my element, it's helpful to discuss things with people who at least share the same class that I do, so the topics we speak on are common ones. Sometimes I feel kind of lonely; there are not many people around me who share my interests. I think my family just tolerates my "creative genius", LOL.

My first class went by successfully, I got a perfect grade. I'm aiming for that with this class, as well. I have a dream of being at the head of my class, and if there is such a thing as a valedictorian in our online community, I'd love to aim for that, too. What a blessing that would be, especially for me, as I was raised to believe I was stupid.

Little Steve is growing more and more every day. He's also growing more and more hard-headed. We're taking him to the circus next weekend, and the day after to the Little Gym. My son is so nimble, you can go into our room at any time to find him standing up on a toy trying to reach the flat screen TV, or something that he wants that he shouldn't have. Next weekend we're going to start purchasing items for his room, as well. A complete Mickey Mouse theme. Since we cannot paint, I'm going to get black foam board and cut out Mickey Mouse shapes and attach them to the walls. A border that we will attach with double-sided tape, Mickey Mouse curtains, Mickey Mouse pillows, and Mickey Mouse bedding. I have waited so long to be able to do this, and it's going to be so much fun!

I'm hoping that life evens out a bit for us. I've been working here for a month, and I intend to continue to make myself an asset. In the late spring early summer, Steve and I want to move to Maryland. Steve's parents are getting up in age, and they depend on us to help them around the house from time to time. Plus, they've been such a huge help to us. It's nice to know that there are still some people out there who, if they struggled, did not forget that time in their lives once prosperity hit. I am so grateful to my in-laws for all their help. Their son gets on my nerves sometimes, but we're a tight-knit little dysfunctional family. Little Steve was destroying things at their house the other day. All boy, my little man. I went to get him from daycare the other day, and it was so cute to see him running around outside, enjoying the weather. I'm glad spring is here, so we can enjoy the weather. I look forward to all of the things that we will do as a family.

The Perfect Storm/Changes

Well, I'm almost through my first week as a working mother. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. Little Man starts twitching at 5 am anyways, so what am I losing by getting up at 6? He's transitioning back into daycare, even though yesterday he went on a hunger strike because he was upset at being left there. I can't believe that almost 14 months have passed so quickly with him in my life. I wish I had relished his infancy more than I did, but I was filled with doubts and worries as to how we were going to make ends meet. Legitimately so, but I should have done more praying than worrying. Still, I learned a lot of lessons. More on that later.

My son does not hesitate to frighten me. When he's in the other room and he coughs, I go running, because he has a tendency to find things and put them in his mouth that I was sure he would not be able to get into. And he LOVES to eat things that just are not palatable. Like shoes. We now cal him "Bam Bam" (Flintstones), because he's so destructive. He has completely de-baby-proofed this house. What was the point? It took me two weeks to put on those door latches, and now he just snaps them open. And if he eats another one of my earplugs, I don't know what I'm gonna do... Needless to say, this picture shows him doing my favorite thing. :-)

School is going alright, though my perfect grade was ruined by an unknown change in the syllabus. I'm hoping that my grade will be restored by the weekend. I had expected that any changes in the syllabus would have been followed by an email or post in the classroom, but I was wrong. So my place at the head of the class was taken by another. Grrr...still, I think the teacher might be willing to work with me. Steve keeps laughing and calling me a nerd. It'll be him next, I think he's going to start school in March.

Valentine's Day came and went, Steve upgraded my ring. Prior to Steve, the only precious gem I had on my finger was a birthstone that I bought once. It's kind of nice to wear something other than CZ, even if it's not a big one. Not that I'd want a big ring. I tend to leave them in the shower, and I don't want to end up losing the equivalent of a house payment. I'd lose my mind.

My boss is a pretty nice guy. If I'm not careful, I'm going to get even fatter than I am now because I work for the owner of a restaurant! I'm his personal assistant. Not a bad job at all. When I work holidays, he treats me to free lunch, and man is the food good. When Steve and I finally go to the JotP, we may go there to eat. They have a lovely upstairs dining room, and I'm sure he'd let me reserve it and decorate for the occasion. Nothing too large, I cannot see the logic in feeding and entertaining people who cannot even keep in contact with me (i.e. relatives). Yeah, onto that.

A wise man once said that there are three different types of storms in life: storms of direction, storms of correction, and storms of perfection. I spent the past year trying to find out what type of storm we were in, but I've come to realize that we were in our own little Perfect Storm, a combination of all three. A storm that came through and wiped our lives bare of all the things we took for granted. A storm that revealed to me who my true allies are in life. A storm that pushed us through a dark valley into a better place where we have more knowledge; about each other, about our faith, and about our desires for our future as a family. Nevertheless, storms suck. You end up wet, cold, or in the worse case scenario, homeless. We came too close.

The wise man is my pastor. Amusingly enough, there are some who would say that he's not my pastor because I'm not in church every Sunday. Well, it's 20 miles away, and if we don't have the gas or it snows, I'm staying in VA. That's what he has online video feeds to his services for. Still, it's funny how many people in the world can come to a conclusion as to the content of your character based on where you are on any given day. Nobody asks "why" anymore, we live in a fast-paced world with all the answers, and apparently there are folks out there with "answers" about me. Go figure. People have labeled me as lazy for not working, others have labeled me lost because I'm not attending the church THEY go to. Others have labeled me crazy because I was honest about my struggle with mental illness.

And still others have just written me off altogether, because I'm not able to go party with them. And there are those "Christians" who won't touch me with a ten-foot pole because Steve and I aren't married. Ah, if they knew the truth of this distasteful situation (WHY we're not married), they'd be even more shocked. Still, I have the right to ask my future husband get his house in order before I take his name. And I feel it to be wrong to bring unnecessary confusion and pain to my son by separating from his father. We are the only people he feels completely comfortable with. He may not be able to talk, but I know it would bother him if his father were not there. I went on vacation without Steve once, and had to go home early, because Little Man is used to sleeping between us. He kept reaching out for his father in the night. Imagine a more permanent situation. He will walk through the house looking for us and calling for us if we're not there. I'm not going to cause him pain for the sake of anyone's scruples. I anxiously await the day when I can legally call myself Steve's wife. Believe me, I don't like this situation any more than anyone else. Hopefully by spring it'll be rectified.

It makes me wonder about my own judgment though, how in blazes I surrounded myself with such people. Well they aren't here anymore and the crickets are chirping a little too loudly for me, but it is what it is. I'm trying not to be bitter and go back to my antisocial ways. I've spent most of my life without friends. I guess my early 20s were a time when I learned to be more sociable. Turning inward would go completely against any sort of preparation for ministry. Instead, I'm choosing to use this time of solitude as a lesson. I fight the loneliness every day. I have to remind myself that most people are alone inside their own heads. I reach out to those who I know are like me, and ironically most of these folks are online pen pals, people I've never met, but people who seem to take more of an interest in my life than people right down the street. I've stopped sending emails to a "friend" who lives less than a mile away. I get the point. I just wish it hadn't come to that. If my company was so distasteful, wouldn't the right thing to do have been to tell me?

Ever since I was a little kid, and I learned that lying to inflate myself only made me look rediculous, I've been adamant about telling the truth. I'm far too serious for most, including poor Steve. I believe in the value of one's words, so I don't joke. That often creates a disconnect between me and my significant other, because he likes to tease. But I feel that if my word is to have any worth, I can't be light with it. So if it were me, and I felt that someone's company wasn't in my best interest, I'd tell them so. Gently, but honestly. I wish that had been done to me. This isolation hurts, and it's not easy for me to admit that.

My therapist has challenged me to get out and be sociable again. I'm not quite ready yet. I've come to the conclusion that for now, it's best to be quiet and stay at home. As I rebuild my life, perhaps I'll come in contact with people I share interests with (LOL, that'll be the day...another 28-year-old with a passion for Tudor England). It's going to take a few years for me and Steve to get to where we want to be in our lives. The light is growing brighter at the end of the tunnel.

I just have to keep walking.

2 Years

I cannot believe it. The 13th will mark two years that Steve and I have been together. It's been a rough road, but I can honestly say that I would not have wanted to go through what we've been through with anyone else. I do treasure my sweetheart.

Little Steve is growing in both stature and attitude. We push things farther and farther back on the dining room table, as well as the little coffee tables, but he still manages to reach what he wants. He's still eating paper. It's so cute to see, when you move something away from him, the look on his face says, "but I want it, I WANT IT!" If he throws one more bottle at me, I'm gonna suplex him. I swear.

Because of the temperature problems in this apartment, Little Man is still sleeping with us. A few nights back, I had put him down to sleep in his crib and gone to wash some conditioner out of my hair. I come out of the bathroom about 10 minutes later, and Steve is in the bedroom. Little Man is in the middle of the bed fast asleep. I ask Steve, "did you put him there?" He tells me, "no, he was there when I got there!" Little Man let us know where he planned to sleep.

He kicks like the dickens, so I would love for him to sleep in his own bed. But it gets so cold at night, so I feel guilty about leaving him in that crib, when the warmest place is in between us. But we wake up at least 4-5 times per night with a foot in our mouths. By morning, Mommy is not a happy camper. But whatever makes the gremlin feel secure. We're setting up his room this spring, if finances allow. I want to put bunk beds in there, so he can sleep on the bottom bunk wiht a bedrail, and the girls will both have a bed when they come up to visit. Mickey Mouse theme! Wal-mart has an entire line of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse bedding and accessories. And Ikea has the right furniture.

School is going well, so far I've made perfect scores on all my assignments. That sure does feel good. I still remember thinking that I was so stupid when I was growing up. Side note: my son is very determined. He likes to pull paper out of the printer to eat. When I put it out of his reach, he stood up on one of his toys to get to it! Oh my gosh!

Life is kind of quiet in this house, but I wish it were quieter. I still find myself worrying about money all the time. I may just give up and go back to work ASAP. Right now it doesn't really matter if I hate my job, at least we won't struggle. We're alright at the moment between my tiny tax refund and school refunds, but I was hoping for a slightly larger nest egg to get us through the year. It's not to spend, it's just to look at. Oh well.

I'm planning big things for Valentine's Day/Our Anniversary. Pictures to come!

"College Girl"/1 Year Old!

Well, 2009 closed on a good note. And believe me, I was glad to see it come to a close.

2009 was a difficult year, but I learned lots of lessons. I think one of the biggest ones was to take care of myself. So from now on I'm doing that more. I can't give or serve if I run myself out.

Little Steve turns 1 today. I have a toddler. I can't believe it. I still take comfort in those moments when he wants me to hold him (and his bottle!), as I do miss my little peanut.

I can't believe that it's been a year. The past year has truly gone by in a flash, can it have really happed so quickly? I'm thinking back on this day last year, the weather wasn't as cold, but it was a sunny day like today. At this time last year I was hollering (haha, I can laugh about it now) at the top of my lungs. I was NOT prepared for labor. But when I finally released him into this world, and I got to hold him, it was like the poles shifted. At least they did in my world.

My son is like my fuel, he's the reason I get up in the morning (even when I don't want to!!!!), he's the reason I don't (and can't) give up. He brings me immense joy (and at times, like when he's taking things out of the trash can or reaching into the toilet, immense frustration). He's so spirited and funny. I believe that he will talk soon. It's so cute, seeing him try to express what he wants or needs. He'll come to you grunting, and I swear I've seen him stamp his foot a time or two. The temper tantrums are amusing to a point. He's learning to like "people food". His current favorite is potato chips. However, he hasn't learned to completely chew them, so eventually Mommy ends up cleaning up the carpet. Ah, but I'm used to it now.

Little Steve was very sick the week before Christmas. It was a frightening time. He woke up on Sunday the 12th, feeling very irritable. Early Monday morning I took him to the ER because he was running a high fever, and I personally wasn't feeling that well, either. They didn't find anything wrong with him at that time, and they didn't find anything wrong with me. They figured it was just a cold. That irritated Mama, because a cold doesn't give a baby a fever of 103.7. Well, we took him home and kept giving him Tylenol.

When the Tylenol wore off, his fever came back. For a week straight. Two more ER visits, and we learned he had an ear infection. We got some antibiotics on the second visit, but two days later Little Man was very dehydrated. It's a scary thing when you see that your child is not himself. All day Sunday Little Man either slept or just lay in bed. This is a child who wakes up happy and doesn't stop running until he's about to drop. Then it's time to crawl onto Mommy and go to sleep. His fever kept coming back and I asked Steve to look up signs of dehydration. We took the baby back to the ER, and this time they tried to give him an IV. Didn't go over well. Besides the fact that he was dehydrated, you can't expect an 11-month-old to understand why his hand is suddenly on fire. 4 people could not pin him down, two of those people were his parents. After they gave up on the IV for a while, he started drinking and going to he bathroom again, so we were released, and we took him home. A few days later, he was back to his old self. Just in time to enjoy Christmas.

_____________________________________________________________

School starts for me today. I had to quit my job in light of Little Man getting sick, as there was no one to care for him. Steve has no leave, and when your child has a fever, daycare cannot keep them. I had trouble getting my boss to understand this. But I forgive her, she is young, rich, and as yet without children. Her bottom dollar is her bottom line. My son is my raison d'etre. Bottom line for me is that I'm a mother before I am ANYTHING else. I could not expect her to understand that, and as the week went on and he didn't get better, I realized that I had made the best choice for my family, even if it meant that we might suffer temporarily on the financial front. At the end of the day, God meets our needs. I have seen that time and time again. We may not drive a fancy car or live in a big house, but when it comes to love, my son is a Prince among princes. He is secure in the knowledge that his parents are united around him, and that is worth more to me than any worldly accolades.

I'm continuing my Christian studies degree. As I've sat over the past few weeks and thought about my work life, I've come to realize that my unhappiness in my place of work has stemmed from the fact that often I have operated from a different place of ethics than many I have worked with. I believe that the workplace is hard for any Believer. You are supposed to approach situations differently with the knowledge that you have of Christ. But I have come to learn that I'm too much of a caretaker to just make money for people. I have plans for what I'm to do with my degree, but that is several years down the line. I'm choosing to just pray on it and tuck those plans within myself or a while.

As I sit and think about it, I realize that I'm never going to be a "success" by worldly standards. At least it is not my goal to be. I'll probably never be rich, I'll never be a CEO. But I know now that God has given me all the tools I need to be happy in life, and also all the tools I need to give back and serve. I'm growing a bit weary of the materialism in this world; it's all fine and dandy to have nice things, but these days people place their sense of self on these things that they cannot take with them when they leave here. I want to build something that lasts...even after I'm gone from this world. In the mind of my son, as well as in the life to come. Perhaps elsewhere as well. If I'm to "make a name for myself", let it be doing something other than getting rich. I'm not knocking money, it's just that I've seen the emptiness that comes from just relying on that. Our media is flooded with people, youth especially who are placing too much stock in what they can accrue. It's not healthy.

Well, my son is too quiet. Time to go see what he's torn up now. :-)

Merry Christmas

Here's a few highlights from today and tonight:

Little Man opening his first Christmas present.

Getting the hang of it!

Surrounded by a few of the mountain of toys this boy is to get...

Along with his big boy backpack (so he can leave our bags alone).

Cheese!!!

And last but not least, me singing as is tradition every year. Steve didn't know that my family makes me sing every year. All in good fun. :-)

Late Night Little Steve Blogging :-)

First of all, it's freezing in this house. It's not that we don't have any heat, it's just that the furnace hasn't cut on yet. Can't wait until it does. Turns out there was something wrong with the duct layout of our furnace last year, and when maintenance came to fix it I guess it was realized that we were overcharged for freezing last year. Our bill was sky high. We finally covered up the main vent, left the furnace off and used space heaters. Can't do that this year with the little gremlin running around.


Now, on to my little gremlin... THAT BOY!!!

Little Steve is now 11 months old. I cannot believe how quickly this year has passed. I go back and look at pictures and videos of the last several months, and I can't believe that those days just flew by. My son is highly intelligent, VERY hardheaded and very expressive. He loves music. He will stop whatever he's doing to watch TV if the people are singing. We were watching the American Movie Awards a few weeks back (well Steve was, I don't really pay much attention to the TV anymore), and when Jay-Z and Alicia Keys sang their song An Empire State of Mind, my son froze in his tracks and gazed at the TV for the duration of that song. I swear he didn't move. He loves it when either myself or Steve sing to him. I enjoy calling Daddy at work to have him sing the Barney Song.

Little Steve has adapted to daycare. It took only a week-and-a-half. He's now not as people shy as he used to be. I guess he understands now that Mommy and Daddy can leave him in someone else's care, and he'll be okay. Still, it's kind of daunting that he listens to his daycare provider yet not to me. She can get him to eat and nap, but let Mommy do it, it doesn't work. Little Steve also loves to pull down our vertical blinds. He's broken two off, and the entire set no longer works properly. When he starts yanking and I ask him to leave it alone, he just ignores me. When I get up to get him, he runs away with his hands in the air....laughing. Ah, how amusing Mommy is.

With Christmas right around the corner, I find myself getting excited for him. He has no idea what's in store. When we turn on the Christmas lights, he just gazes in awe. We have no tree...because I know my son. Everything is a toy if it isn't edible. He'd probably flush whatever he couldn't eat down the toilet. Wait a minute, he doesn't know how to do that yet...he only knows how to reach IN the toilet. Which is a reminder for Mommy and Daddy to always flush. *eeew*

Life is definitely adventurous in this house, which takes our minds off of the difficult things. I'm trying to be like Reb Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. I try to always be cheerful, but when I cannot I just talk frankly to God. It helps. I find myself getting anxious these days, and I don't want to be that way, but I just cannot understand God's purpose for me. I've always believed that my suffering was preparing me for something, I'm just ready for that something to hurry up and come already. It's very discouraging to think that I've never been able to really enjoy my life. I believe that it's time to. And I want to tap into that joy soon so that the little one who is watching me will live by that example, instead of an example of struggling. I believe I learned my mindset from my family. They always hammered it into my head that life would never be fair and would always be a struggle. But I haven't seen that be the case for everyone. I believe that unfairness and struggle are definitely a reality, but I also believe in love and integrity...and in fairness as well as service...truth. Why can't I live a life defined by these things, instead of bowing my head each time someone does me wrong and saying, "it'll always be this way"?

I don't want it to always be this way. I believe our children watch us closely. I want my son to see his parents as successful individuals so that he can see the possibility within himself. Growing up all I saw was frustration, anger and misery. For years I've lived that out.

It's time for it to stop.

November News

Well, it's been almost a month since I started working. Little Steve started daycare this week, and it was definitely a poignant turning point for both Mommy and Daddy. Little Man is adjusting, but he's thrown up each day this week at daycare. He seems to like the other children, and is very attached to his caregiver. He's also a young boy who likes to do everything head first. He is also very HEADSTRONG. Gets that from his Daddy.

Work is going okay, the upside is that I am working again, I'm getting out of the house (which is good for my sanity), and I'm also seeing how far I can go physically. Hard things: constantly aching feet, small server tips and "office" politics.

I actually ended up walking off the job a couple of weeks ago. Not something I would normally do, but my focus now is on improving the circumstances of my family. That is why I went back to work, and I put on blinders when I go to work. I'm there to do a job, and because I believe that I can work my way up in this job, I'm ignoring some of the things that would normally disappoint me. But I will not tolerate others slacking off around me and getting paid more. Long story short, I was in a store with no manager and a bunch of kids playing around a few weeks ago, and I left. My manager called me and we talked; I explained to her my dismay over having my tables stolen two nights in a row, and also my frustration over the young folks around me who chose to complain and not work, when there are folks out there like me with a family and kids who would take that minimum wage job and make the best of it. She told me to come back, but the atmosphere is definitely different.

One thing I've noticed throughout my life is that I often have difficulty communicating with other people on even the most superficial of levels. Perhaps it's because I don't want to be superficial, and also because my vocabulary is "different". I rarely use slang, and if I do it's at least a decade old. I prefer to just speak clearly. The things that interest me don't interest my peers, and I come across as an old lady due to the limitations of my health. Most of the people I work with are younger than me or related to one another, so sometimes I feel left out. But I try to go in and just give everyone a smile, concentrate on my work and leave when the day is done. I have a goal I'm trying to reach, and that goal won't be reached any faster if I make friends at work. In fact, getting any closer to the intrigue there might be detrimental. Folks are constantly gossipping. But I do feel lonely at times. It would be nice to have people my age around who shared some of my interests. Perhaps that day will come at a later time.

Today was Steve's birthday. Little Steve and I each got him a card, and I got Steve a new dress shirt and tie. I wanted to do more, but our financial constraints won't let us do that. But I have faith that it won't always be this way. We had pizza for dinner and joked about how old we are. Personally, I can't wait to turn 30. I also got in touch with everyone on our Facebook pages and made them wish him Happy Birthday (on time!). I think he liked that. Steve's not used to positive attention.

Little Steve is running around the house now. He understands the word "no", but that doesn't mean he listens. We stay on him. He likes to rip down the vertical blinds. Mommy would love to bathe without his presence once in a while. Especially when it's early morning and we have to get ready to go. It's easier to get him dressed first, but not if I have to change him because he tried to jump in the shower.

With each day that passes, Steve and I marvel that almost a year has passed so quickly. We can't wait to see how Little Man reacts to Thanksgiving, Christmas and his first Birthday. I hope that our finances are such that we can throw a little party. I plan to make cupcakes for Little Steve's daycare friends. Little Steve loves Mickey Mouse, and we've been looking for as many Mickey Mouse themed items as we can. I need to get him a stuffed Mickey Mouse to sleep with once we get his toddler bed set up. I was gonna use the crib as one, as it converts, but Daddy forgot that we had to take the bedroom door off to get it in the room, and broke it. I'm still kind of peeved about that. We can't afford a new bed right now, and both Steves wrestle in their sleep. Doesn't bother me as I sleep like the dead, but Daddy complains in the morning. Well, that's what he gets as he should not have broken the bed. Should've left me alone to do what I was doing (take it apart in one room, reassemble in another). *sigh* Stubborn men.

Well, it's off to bed now. I wish I knew of a way to stop the constant foot aching. :-) But painful progress is still progress, is it not?