Thursday, January 26, 2012


I'm sitting in the local library because I do not want to go back home. I hate the fact that certain words in my life have zero meaning whatsoever, or that they are so hollow, I might as well not use them. I refuse to believe that this is just my depression, I've had this all my life. No, I feel that what I am going through is the direct result of purposeful disenfranchisement. And I long to escape.

Years ago I had a "day-mare", a nightmare in the middle of the day...and it's coming true for me right now. I'm in the prime of my life alone, surrounded by people who choose to either ignore me or ridicule me. My mother's smear campaign is ongoing, her family seeks to undermine me any chance they get, people I once called friends don't even bother to call anymore...and all I mostly get in the form of "advice" is to get over it.

I'm honestly at the point where I don't even want to bother anymore. I don't want to bother with my health, I don't want to bother with my future, I don't want to bother with relationships or dreams. I only bother because my son didn't ask to be conceived, and I owe him a decent chance at life. But it's so hard dealing with my special child with the grinning monkeys that are my parents dancing around every time it's time for me to struggle with any aspect of taking care of him. I hate both of my parents, I'm not even going to be in the least tactful about it now. They have declared all out war on me, and if I cannot fight back, at least I'm not going to sit here and smile and act like nothing is going on.

My brother told me that I just "let mom get to me". What? From the time she reluctantly squeezed me into this world, my every movement was controlled by this woman. She has crippled me, and I'm trying to make a life out of the rubble. I sit and feel ashamed of myself because someone stepped in to block my natural progress, and at 30 years of age I should have more to show for myself besides a stroke history, depression and a kid. I'm tired of everything being such a damn struggle. But I don't trust anyone enough to take care of my I just try to keep moving. But I don't know how long I can. I need help. I deserve a support system, more than just a half-assed family who only appears to jeer at me. I long for peace, to be able to have a quiet day, instead of the turmoil that is my everyday. I run as fast as I can from dysfunction and addiction (not mine), and they still follow me. Still.

For the first time in many years I can honestly say that I am back in the valley again. And I have no idea what I'm going to do now. Mild depression is one thing; you can move and fight through that. But when you just don't give a shit anymore?