Saturday, May 11, 2013

Loose Cannon

I've been very angry over the past few days. Honestly, I've been pissed for a while, but I don't like the level it's gotten to. There are some things that I simply have no control over, and keeping my anxiety and sense of injustice primed only makes me (and my son by extension) miserable.

Yes, I'm dealing with so many things that aren't fair. Steve has walked through the protective order many times, but it seems like the justice system here just wants to justify his actions by saying that if I do things like assert myself as his next of kin when he's in the hospital (I could just let him rot...), or try to get a few of my belongings before they're thrown on the street, that I'm not afraid of him. So they can't do much more than file a police report. Steve is trying to literally live 286 feet away from me. But he feels it's okay, because it's a  sober house.

It seems to just keep coming. But anger only cripples me. My son needs me. Me, the real parent. I'm just not sure how to cope anymore. And since I don't really have much of a fuse anymore, folks close to me are paying for it.

That's not who I am. Something's gotta give.

On a side note: Steven is in full-fledged potty training. I washed every single thing we own today. Well, almost. I'm just not done drying yet, and I ran out of detergent, I've washed so much. But I can't turn back. He has peed in the closet once, and he dumped an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet yesterday. I'm teaching him to wipe himself, and I think he just dabbed with the whole roll. I could only laugh. Though we've had our share of rough moments this weekend. And it's only Saturday. Dude. Still, he keeps me going. And he's in bed waiting for me. It's time for him to snore in my ear.

I shall teach him to use less paper.

Kid is fascinated with me. He strokes my eyebrows, my hair... :-)