Saturday, February 23, 2013

"You don't need that stress..."

It is amazing how completely blind some of the people around me are. Especially when it comes to their affect on me. Either I am that quiet about it, or they are just dumb. Or maybe they don't care, but why say the things you do to me if you aren't concerned how you affect me?

Living in my mother's house is like being in the middle of a cold war. Each side has their nukes primed, but as yet (meaning this year) they have not gone off. I guess I'm like Syria, in that I'm doing a little more testing than my family, the UN would like. Oh well. I'm going to keep doing it. Screw your sanctions. It's not exactly fair that you've been able to launch on me for a decade-and-a-half, and I can't even contemplate retaliation. Seriously, screw that. I've gotten a taste of what I could be, and I'm not going to sit around and wait for your permission. If I decimate you in the process of realizing this, just know that it's a casualty of the war you never should have started with me.

My mother keeps referring to my marriage as "stress that I don't need." As if living in this house is a walk in the park, as if I actually like being here. She does offhandedly refer to my living here as "perhaps a bit stressful," and I just look at her incredulously. Seriously? Just a little bit stressful, eh? You had a kid you didn't want, you abused said, kid, you lied about it, you ruined my life until I stopped letting you do so. It got to the point where I preferred living in a homeless shelter to living with you, and I may just exercise that option this summer, just to find a place of peace for myself and my son that I can afford...

...and yet you think that your asininity has been "just a little bit stressful."

We got jokes, do we?

Well wait until I start telling mine. They're a hoot.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

Found this today:

To This Day

Whenever I start to feel like I can't go on, I will play this back. This man is poetic, he is real, he is so deep...he is awesome. He put my entire life in words that I have not yet been able to find, and what's the most amazing part to me, is that he was able to articulate the happy ending that I have not yet been able to reach...but know is there.

Bless you, Shane Koyczan

Monday, February 18, 2013

Ride the Wave

I feel positive today. That is a first in a LONG while. I feel like things are possible, like I can actually break free of this mess that has been my life. I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that has caused this feeling. Because to be honest, as Annie put it, "yesterday was plain awful." Okay, not yesterday, precisely. More like last week. I wasn't feeling well last week, and I always feel more gloomy when I'm achy and creaky. Perhaps that's what made the week so hard for me. These diseases are up and down ones, and when I suffer I do so in silence...unless I write about it. It's funny, my mom was telling me the other day about how my pain had diminished. No it hasn't. My willingness to have it blown off when I say something has. It's still there, I just grit my teeth. I'm strong like that.

But today...I don't know what it is, maybe it's the weather (sunny), maybe it's the fact that the aches in my body are from a workout, instead of autoimmune problems. Whatever it is, I feel like it's summer, and I could fly. I sure hope it lasts. Because I'm going to need this positivity as I go through my divorce, I'm going to need it when I step out onto the music scene. I'm just going to need it.

Because I want things to get better. I have lived too long, alternating between corners, caves and the shadows of others. This is not what I envisioned for my life all those years ago, as I nursed wounds to my flesh that no child should ever have to endure. You only live once. And since I've wasted 30 years, I'm ready to turn things around.

I'm going to ride this wave for as long as it will take me.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Keep moving...

Well I made it through Valentine's Day this year without any of the usual gloom that I seem to exude on this day when I'm single. I honestly hate the day, and when Steve and I were on good terms, I told him that he could celebrate either this day or our anniversary, since it was the day before. Well, I'm kind of sick and tired of relationships right now, so it didn't really bother me that the streets were full of love-struck teens with flowers, not to mention the grocery stores full of red and pink. It was kind of amusing, and I chose to be happy for others who found themselves lucky in love this year.

I honestly didn't expect to get anything, yet when Steven came home from school, there was a little something in his backpack for me.

Definitely something I shall treasure until it falls apart. I am grateful for my baby's love.

Lots of progress on the Little Steven front. I forgot to put this in earlier. He is doing very well in school, and I think that we shall have some sentences coming out of him soon. It's amazing how calm and loving he is right now, compared to what he was when we lived with his father. Today we went to the store, and as I was scanning my things, he kept going "aaah!" every time the scanner beeped. He then tried to scan his hand. I think that next time I'm going to let him scan some things. He'll like that.

He was looking at one of his books today, and when I started naming things, he mimicked me. I heard "clock" and "toy car". He's also into this ABC app on his iPad, and he looks at ABC books in school and makes sound approximations as he "reads". He's waving to people, saying "hi" and "bye"...and about to break our rickety bed. How I wish I could put cinder blocks under this thing...something. I'm so afraid it's going to collapse one day. He's already knocked out one of the support beams. 35 pounds, and he can collapse a bed. dude.

Life overall has its ups and downs these days. I can't seem to suppress the loneliness I feel, but that's mainly because I'm so isolated. In tending to Steven, I really have not touched deeply on what all of this nonsense with his father has done to me. I do feel very vulnerable. At times I do cry. Many nights I wonder if I will ever find a man who will be gentle with me. I honestly can't take any more abuse; the thought of potentially having no choices but those of isolation or dysfunction is like standing in 18 degree weather with no coat. I have been made weak by the treatment I have received in my life. But I have to keep moving.

I feel my worst when I spend a day doing little of nothing. While it feels good in the moment to just lie down because I don't feel well, I never fully shake the feeling of having wasted a day. And to me, so many days have been wasted. Not pursuing my passions, listening to the negativity of others, submitting to someone else's abuse. Now that I'm shaking free of all that (or at least trying to), sitting still just isn't a viable option. Luckily I do have a lot to keep me busy. Though I still deal with those who scorn me because I don't work. While I understand that there are many people out there working hard for less than what they deserve, there is a reason why I am at home, a reason why I gave up on what was my career. I physically couldn't do it anymore. And while I'm the strongest I've been in five years, at least once a week I relapse. No one is going to hire me like this. Not to mention a full year of employment gaps. The market is competitive, and I don't add up right now. So I must pursue other things.

My best friend has agreed to be my vocal coach, so that I can finally break into DC's music scene. I hope to establish myself as a songwriter. Who knows where things can go from there? I may be spending the summer in Vegas helping a friend, perhaps that will bring forth an opportunity. All I know is that it's not fair to me to just let my talents die, because my family never cared to invest in or support me. There will be others, I am self-sufficient, and there is a lot I can do on my own. "Self-taught prodigy" has a nice ring to it.

Some days it's hard to move. I'm still weak, even if I'm moving around more. But every day it gets a little easier. Better to bloom late than for the bud to stay closed forever.

Oh yeah, and I've lost about 15 pounds. 30 more to go!