Sunday, February 17, 2013

Keep moving...

Well I made it through Valentine's Day this year without any of the usual gloom that I seem to exude on this day when I'm single. I honestly hate the day, and when Steve and I were on good terms, I told him that he could celebrate either this day or our anniversary, since it was the day before. Well, I'm kind of sick and tired of relationships right now, so it didn't really bother me that the streets were full of love-struck teens with flowers, not to mention the grocery stores full of red and pink. It was kind of amusing, and I chose to be happy for others who found themselves lucky in love this year.

I honestly didn't expect to get anything, yet when Steven came home from school, there was a little something in his backpack for me.

Definitely something I shall treasure until it falls apart. I am grateful for my baby's love.

Lots of progress on the Little Steven front. I forgot to put this in earlier. He is doing very well in school, and I think that we shall have some sentences coming out of him soon. It's amazing how calm and loving he is right now, compared to what he was when we lived with his father. Today we went to the store, and as I was scanning my things, he kept going "aaah!" every time the scanner beeped. He then tried to scan his hand. I think that next time I'm going to let him scan some things. He'll like that.

He was looking at one of his books today, and when I started naming things, he mimicked me. I heard "clock" and "toy car". He's also into this ABC app on his iPad, and he looks at ABC books in school and makes sound approximations as he "reads". He's waving to people, saying "hi" and "bye"...and about to break our rickety bed. How I wish I could put cinder blocks under this thing...something. I'm so afraid it's going to collapse one day. He's already knocked out one of the support beams. 35 pounds, and he can collapse a bed. dude.

Life overall has its ups and downs these days. I can't seem to suppress the loneliness I feel, but that's mainly because I'm so isolated. In tending to Steven, I really have not touched deeply on what all of this nonsense with his father has done to me. I do feel very vulnerable. At times I do cry. Many nights I wonder if I will ever find a man who will be gentle with me. I honestly can't take any more abuse; the thought of potentially having no choices but those of isolation or dysfunction is like standing in 18 degree weather with no coat. I have been made weak by the treatment I have received in my life. But I have to keep moving.

I feel my worst when I spend a day doing little of nothing. While it feels good in the moment to just lie down because I don't feel well, I never fully shake the feeling of having wasted a day. And to me, so many days have been wasted. Not pursuing my passions, listening to the negativity of others, submitting to someone else's abuse. Now that I'm shaking free of all that (or at least trying to), sitting still just isn't a viable option. Luckily I do have a lot to keep me busy. Though I still deal with those who scorn me because I don't work. While I understand that there are many people out there working hard for less than what they deserve, there is a reason why I am at home, a reason why I gave up on what was my career. I physically couldn't do it anymore. And while I'm the strongest I've been in five years, at least once a week I relapse. No one is going to hire me like this. Not to mention a full year of employment gaps. The market is competitive, and I don't add up right now. So I must pursue other things.

My best friend has agreed to be my vocal coach, so that I can finally break into DC's music scene. I hope to establish myself as a songwriter. Who knows where things can go from there? I may be spending the summer in Vegas helping a friend, perhaps that will bring forth an opportunity. All I know is that it's not fair to me to just let my talents die, because my family never cared to invest in or support me. There will be others, I am self-sufficient, and there is a lot I can do on my own. "Self-taught prodigy" has a nice ring to it.

Some days it's hard to move. I'm still weak, even if I'm moving around more. But every day it gets a little easier. Better to bloom late than for the bud to stay closed forever.

Oh yeah, and I've lost about 15 pounds. 30 more to go!