Monday, February 18, 2013

Ride the Wave

I feel positive today. That is a first in a LONG while. I feel like things are possible, like I can actually break free of this mess that has been my life. I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that has caused this feeling. Because to be honest, as Annie put it, "yesterday was plain awful." Okay, not yesterday, precisely. More like last week. I wasn't feeling well last week, and I always feel more gloomy when I'm achy and creaky. Perhaps that's what made the week so hard for me. These diseases are up and down ones, and when I suffer I do so in silence...unless I write about it. It's funny, my mom was telling me the other day about how my pain had diminished. No it hasn't. My willingness to have it blown off when I say something has. It's still there, I just grit my teeth. I'm strong like that.

But today...I don't know what it is, maybe it's the weather (sunny), maybe it's the fact that the aches in my body are from a workout, instead of autoimmune problems. Whatever it is, I feel like it's summer, and I could fly. I sure hope it lasts. Because I'm going to need this positivity as I go through my divorce, I'm going to need it when I step out onto the music scene. I'm just going to need it.

Because I want things to get better. I have lived too long, alternating between corners, caves and the shadows of others. This is not what I envisioned for my life all those years ago, as I nursed wounds to my flesh that no child should ever have to endure. You only live once. And since I've wasted 30 years, I'm ready to turn things around.

I'm going to ride this wave for as long as it will take me.

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