Sunday, June 16, 2013

Is it all a conspiracy?

So my husband has been 90 days sober. Well, he relapsed one day and had a beer, but that was to be expected. I also expect that he will have more times like that, and that it will take much longer than a year for him to be sober for a year. So I'm keeping my legal protection in place for now. His sponsor said that was a good idea. Even Steve agreed. But I have also seen him agree to many things to get what he wants. It's called manipulation. I just see a more humble Steve, now that he's sleeping out in the open.

I have re-instated visitation, but I'm the one meeting up with him. I tried to reach out to his mother, and that woman was so cold. So I shall do as she asks: I will never contact her again. And as far as Steve's daughters...the one who feels that she knows everything, I shall leave her alone entirely, and advise my son to do so as well. She is a bad influence. When she grows up a little, she can get to know my boy. I sense that her sister is going down the same path, so I am starting to distance myself.

But here's the thing: the only thing that Steve's "family" has done so far was to get him down to NC for his daughters' graduation. They have not offered to help with food, toiletries, shelter, anything. I've been doing that. They haven't gone to AA meetings with him. I've been doing that. And his first wife sure as hell never let him see his kids much. But he's seen plenty of Steven. He will continue to do so, as long as he remains sober.

I am in contact with Steve's sister. Steve claims to not want anything to do with his mother at this point, given how she has acted towards me. What's hilarious, is that this woman keeps trying to implicate me in some crime, as she thinks that this is all my troubles with Steve amount to. She doesn't get that I could be charged criminally for falsifying evidence to attempt to get him in trouble. They prosecute for things like that here in Virginia. She's just mad, because she thinks her pride has been assaulted, or something like that. Whatever, lady. As far as Steve's sister goes, he's wary of her, but if she's genuine, I think he'll be grateful.

But I do know this: all of the people currently bashing me...not one of them is doing anything other than running their mouth. So if and when Steve gets back on his feet, it will be known how he did it. Not with their help.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Can't Win for Losing

I had posted something about my blog going private, and it still is. I would honestly like a safe place to be able to record my thoughts and be supported by those who truly care for me. The continued abuse and character defamation from people (even children, be they 18 or not) who only have a small portion of the story that comes with my family drama is hurtful and detrimental to my emotional progress. At the end of the day I have to be there for my son, and I am hoping that one day there will be just something, some part of that elusive thing called happiness, that I can call my own. All I have ever wanted was to be loved. I have known way too much abuse from people who I should have been able to trust, and what's worse, their "family" groups expect me to be silent about it. I will not. I simply will not.

I took my  homeless husband some food yesterday. Before having done so, I was struck with the idea (a very stupid one, I now see) of reaching out to his mother (who blames me completely for where he is in life right now) and asking her to take him in. His initial response to my approaching him was one of wariness, which I understand. I gave him some food, and asked him to go up to his parents and ask them if he could stay with them until he got on his feet.

The letter I sent to his mother was an impassioned one. I will not quote it here. But her response was evil and cold. This woman has blamed me since the first time I had to climb out of the bedroom window with Steven to safety, because the cops blamed me as well. She has seen my every explanation as a justification. What's strange is that while I am now in the place of the first wife who she used to say horrible things about, along with that wife's children, neither my husband's first wife nor his mother have done anything to help him. And it's not about letting him hit rock bottom. He's done that already. One of his daughters is upset about my blog, she's naive and caught in tribal mentality. Graduating with honors will not make you wise to the world, sweetie. Since you're reading. I'll leave this up another day or two so you can get your extra special message. You ain't grown. You're just old enough to go to jail for your folly now, without anyone needing to be held responsible for you. That is the only thing that changes when you turn 18. Oh, and you can get tats and piercings. Wow. Really grown up.

I left my home feeling nervous, wondering how my mother-in-law would respond, wondering how Steve would respond, if he would listen. I even gave him my SmarTrip card, so he'd have the fare. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in almost two years. Her response to my email was "do not ever send me or my family an email again." Fine. I will do just that. But know this: if anything happens to him before our divorce, I am still his legal next of kin, and you will know nothing. If you try to show up, you will be barred from everything. And since you think I like to call the cops so much, that's exactly what I shall do. Since you couldn't seem to get that I was telling you that your son is sleeping behind a building and needs your help.

This isn't even about her writing him off, she's in contact with him. It's about hating me, because I apparently lied to the cops all these times, and gee, we've progressed that much as a society where cops will listen to a nappy-headed distraught black woman over a calm white man. Yeah.

I'm trying not to feel hateful. I'm trying not to cry, but I do. I didn't ask for my husband to approach me with lies, and he still doesn't get that our marriage is over. He thinks that if we divorce, that we'll just get married again someday. It's not going to happen. If anything, what my mother-in-law is currently putting me through has me thinking I'll never get married again. And it's so ironic that she and the first wife now have me as a common enemy. Like the cops were never called to that other woman's house. Like she never had problems with him. Well, I never cheated on him, I never stepped outside my marriage. Not even emotionally.

I am really losing my faith in people. I'm trying not to. But it's going. The state of Virginia decrees that in spite of my husband's current state and situation, I must co-parent with him. So I am trying. I extended an olive branch, in spite of my pain. Luann can have herself and her family; my son and I are not a part of it. She will never see us. She can keep her money. She honestly thinks that I got with her son looking for money. Newsflash: my parents own five houses. We have one for leisure. My parents have never filed bankruptcy, much less two. Only in her sick little world does she equate black skin with poverty and white skin with the opposite. Only strangely enough, it's the black folks in this situation (my family) that have the money.

Whatever. Simply whatever. As much as it hurts, I'm going to move on. My son has made it as far as he has not because of Luann and her illustrious family, but because of ME. And I'm damned proud of that.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

A Lull in the Storm

Who'd have thought that after all this time, all this turmoil and all this shit (sorry, but it has been shit), that things would finally quiet down a bit? I'm so glad. I am honestly so glad. I'm starting to feel like things might actually work out, and this is a feeling that I don't think I've ever had. I feel like the clouds in my life are parting, and I'm not afraid of the future (right now). I'm hoping that this lack of fear continues, and that I can use this clear space in my life to create my life as I wish it to be.

Today was an entire day that I spent not in pain. It was lovely. After a week spent going back and forth to the ER, this was wonderful. When I'm not in pain I can exercise. When I'm not in pain I can take my son outside to play. When I'm not in pain I'm not aggravated and grumpy, and Steven is so much happier. When I'm not in pain, I'm happier. An entire day with little more than a twinge or two. I could get used to this. But I know the nature of my illness will probably not allow that. So if I can just have more days like this, perhaps the days I have to spend in bed will be less depressing.

Steven is learning by leaps and bounds. He spelled the word "frog" in school the other day. He can arrange the letters of his name to spell his name. He can count, he knows his letters and is learning his colors. He knows which animals make which sounds. He has a keen sense of order; the towel that I lay over the kitchen chair must be laid out properly before he sits on it. We're making potty training progress. He answers my questions, either with a mimicry of the word in the sentence that I use that he recognizes, or with sign language. My child has come out of his shell. He is having a few issues acting out at school, but it's not bad behavior, more like Dennis the Menace type disruption that I'm sure has his teacher tired by the time she gets home. I believe it's because he's wondering where his father is. He's only seen him twice since I cut off visitation. And he will probably never see him again, given the state his father is in. To be honest, I think that is for the best.

Steve has completely and utterly ruined his life. On the 23rd of May, he lost the second apartment that we had together. He's currently pissed because none of the people whose respect he spat on will offer him a couch to sleep on. Not even his AA buddies will do that...if he's even still going to AA. He posts Facebook updates about how wretched he is, and how he should just die, but he's not even trying to use the resources that I gave him before he got put out of the place we were in. What's sad, is that I put down almost four thousand dollars for that place. He used it all up, and left so many of our belongings there. I will never again put myself in a situation like that. Ever. Independence for the sake of Steven is paramount to me now.

I feel for my husband, but I know that he's a sociopathic liar, and that part of his misfortune is his inability to tell the truth. I do believe that he will not live out the year, given how he abused his health so sorely the last year we lived together. I think it's very immature of him to traumatize his children by posting statuses on social networks hollering about people not caring for him. He refuses to admit that he has abused every person who has cared for him, and that is why he is now sleeping at bus stops. I feel cold towards him most of the time; he brought this on himself. But when I think of what his end may very well be like, I do feel a little sad. Still, I have to protect Steven from this. And I dare this damned state to challenge me. What are you going to do, give my child to a homeless man who is so unstable that he would rather spend all day in AA than get a job? Could he not work and then go to a meeting on his off time? Seriously?

My son was fine until he saw that man. Seeing him brought back memories, no doubt. But Steven is too young to understand the level of his father's dysfunction (not to mention we have a protective order covering us against that man!). He will not get it until he is an adult, and I may just erase Steve from his memory. Why hurt my child by giving him the legacy of a drunk batterer with sexual issues? If Steve would have just been honest for once in his life, so much could have worked out for him. But he chose jealousy, he chose lying, he chose theft, and now he's choosing death. I refuse to stand by with my child next to me to watch. Steven will attend no funerals, he will have no more encounters with that man. It's unhealthy, it's traumatizing to his grown children, so imagine how much more it would be to a child who cannot even tell you how he feels. I've been taking extra care to be as gentle, sweet and encouraging with him this weekend (after two weeks of mischief at school), and Steven has responded very well. He just needs a little more TLC than usual I think (he was becoming very independent prior to that damned visit), and he'll be fine. So more snuggles for my little guy. We're making progress. I will NOT allow his drunkard of a father to undo that progress.

I think Steve thinks that if he makes himself pitiful enough, that the courts just won't prosecute him for all that he's done. Newsflash dude: homeless people go to jail all the time. And they find that they have a warm place to sleep, three meals a day and more security than they had sleeping at a bus stop. You're afraid of jail because you're afraid of the perversions that YOU stacked onto something that is completely natural (being gay). You hate yourself, so you do things you have no business doing. Sorry, but the rest of us want to live, so we will be stepping back so that the spray of your self-destruction doesn't hit us. I'm so sorry for you, but we created a child. He has always come first. He will always come first. It's sad that you were even jealous of that.

As for me, in this interlude, I'm thinking of what I wish to do with the next years of my life. It turns out that my parents finally get that I'm sick...and they have expressed such to me. To have that understanding means so much. I get crap every day from people who think that all I want to do is just stay home and sleep. I see it in the eyes of medical professionals, because I insist on walking with my head held high, not showing people how badly I feel that day. I hear it from family members who joke about me just laying around all day. I take care of a child who has more needs than any other kid in this huge family, I am attending school (and doing very well), I have three books in progress that will be published this summer. Someone who sleeps all day could not get these things done. Oh, and I've lost 20 pounds since November. . You can't do that lying in bed eating pizza all day.

Since it's a given that I will probably spend the next few years with my parents, I wish to work on the talents that I let die over the last decade. As well as the few that I have discovered since then. Painting, music and writing. It'll be nice to pursue these things, and who knows, maybe I'll actually be able to shape a career of sorts from them. It would be nice.

Steven has one more year with his current teacher, and next summer my parents plan to sell the house we are living in. We will then move south. I was opposed to this previously, because I thought I would be living in this run-down area only to be left there when my parents moved to a senior community. But if I do get social security, and have a chance to save over the next couple of years, Steven and I can move back to the DC area once my parents fully retire. Or, maybe we'll just stay in Ladysmith and I'll buy one of the houses in that development. The place is peppered with houses for sale. I'm sure I can find a small one for me and the little guy. If we live there, Steven will go to a private school for kids with special needs, because the county doesn't have services for autism. They don't even have a website. They have a little blurb about kids being placed in the "least restrictive environment," but that's about it. Luckily, our neighbor has a son who goes to a private school, and she'll be able to help me figure out what to do. Because I won't have Steven's future sacrificed for anyone's laziness.

The quiet honestly feels nice. I have no desire whatsoever to get into another relationship, I'm fine being single, and I need time to take care of myself. Hopefully I'll get into a health regimen that bears results, and things keep getting better. I hope so. One day at a time.