Saturday, June 1, 2013

A Lull in the Storm

Who'd have thought that after all this time, all this turmoil and all this shit (sorry, but it has been shit), that things would finally quiet down a bit? I'm so glad. I am honestly so glad. I'm starting to feel like things might actually work out, and this is a feeling that I don't think I've ever had. I feel like the clouds in my life are parting, and I'm not afraid of the future (right now). I'm hoping that this lack of fear continues, and that I can use this clear space in my life to create my life as I wish it to be.

Today was an entire day that I spent not in pain. It was lovely. After a week spent going back and forth to the ER, this was wonderful. When I'm not in pain I can exercise. When I'm not in pain I can take my son outside to play. When I'm not in pain I'm not aggravated and grumpy, and Steven is so much happier. When I'm not in pain, I'm happier. An entire day with little more than a twinge or two. I could get used to this. But I know the nature of my illness will probably not allow that. So if I can just have more days like this, perhaps the days I have to spend in bed will be less depressing.

Steven is learning by leaps and bounds. He spelled the word "frog" in school the other day. He can arrange the letters of his name to spell his name. He can count, he knows his letters and is learning his colors. He knows which animals make which sounds. He has a keen sense of order; the towel that I lay over the kitchen chair must be laid out properly before he sits on it. We're making potty training progress. He answers my questions, either with a mimicry of the word in the sentence that I use that he recognizes, or with sign language. My child has come out of his shell. He is having a few issues acting out at school, but it's not bad behavior, more like Dennis the Menace type disruption that I'm sure has his teacher tired by the time she gets home. I believe it's because he's wondering where his father is. He's only seen him twice since I cut off visitation. And he will probably never see him again, given the state his father is in. To be honest, I think that is for the best.

Steve has completely and utterly ruined his life. On the 23rd of May, he lost the second apartment that we had together. He's currently pissed because none of the people whose respect he spat on will offer him a couch to sleep on. Not even his AA buddies will do that...if he's even still going to AA. He posts Facebook updates about how wretched he is, and how he should just die, but he's not even trying to use the resources that I gave him before he got put out of the place we were in. What's sad, is that I put down almost four thousand dollars for that place. He used it all up, and left so many of our belongings there. I will never again put myself in a situation like that. Ever. Independence for the sake of Steven is paramount to me now.

I feel for my husband, but I know that he's a sociopathic liar, and that part of his misfortune is his inability to tell the truth. I do believe that he will not live out the year, given how he abused his health so sorely the last year we lived together. I think it's very immature of him to traumatize his children by posting statuses on social networks hollering about people not caring for him. He refuses to admit that he has abused every person who has cared for him, and that is why he is now sleeping at bus stops. I feel cold towards him most of the time; he brought this on himself. But when I think of what his end may very well be like, I do feel a little sad. Still, I have to protect Steven from this. And I dare this damned state to challenge me. What are you going to do, give my child to a homeless man who is so unstable that he would rather spend all day in AA than get a job? Could he not work and then go to a meeting on his off time? Seriously?

My son was fine until he saw that man. Seeing him brought back memories, no doubt. But Steven is too young to understand the level of his father's dysfunction (not to mention we have a protective order covering us against that man!). He will not get it until he is an adult, and I may just erase Steve from his memory. Why hurt my child by giving him the legacy of a drunk batterer with sexual issues? If Steve would have just been honest for once in his life, so much could have worked out for him. But he chose jealousy, he chose lying, he chose theft, and now he's choosing death. I refuse to stand by with my child next to me to watch. Steven will attend no funerals, he will have no more encounters with that man. It's unhealthy, it's traumatizing to his grown children, so imagine how much more it would be to a child who cannot even tell you how he feels. I've been taking extra care to be as gentle, sweet and encouraging with him this weekend (after two weeks of mischief at school), and Steven has responded very well. He just needs a little more TLC than usual I think (he was becoming very independent prior to that damned visit), and he'll be fine. So more snuggles for my little guy. We're making progress. I will NOT allow his drunkard of a father to undo that progress.

I think Steve thinks that if he makes himself pitiful enough, that the courts just won't prosecute him for all that he's done. Newsflash dude: homeless people go to jail all the time. And they find that they have a warm place to sleep, three meals a day and more security than they had sleeping at a bus stop. You're afraid of jail because you're afraid of the perversions that YOU stacked onto something that is completely natural (being gay). You hate yourself, so you do things you have no business doing. Sorry, but the rest of us want to live, so we will be stepping back so that the spray of your self-destruction doesn't hit us. I'm so sorry for you, but we created a child. He has always come first. He will always come first. It's sad that you were even jealous of that.

As for me, in this interlude, I'm thinking of what I wish to do with the next years of my life. It turns out that my parents finally get that I'm sick...and they have expressed such to me. To have that understanding means so much. I get crap every day from people who think that all I want to do is just stay home and sleep. I see it in the eyes of medical professionals, because I insist on walking with my head held high, not showing people how badly I feel that day. I hear it from family members who joke about me just laying around all day. I take care of a child who has more needs than any other kid in this huge family, I am attending school (and doing very well), I have three books in progress that will be published this summer. Someone who sleeps all day could not get these things done. Oh, and I've lost 20 pounds since November. . You can't do that lying in bed eating pizza all day.

Since it's a given that I will probably spend the next few years with my parents, I wish to work on the talents that I let die over the last decade. As well as the few that I have discovered since then. Painting, music and writing. It'll be nice to pursue these things, and who knows, maybe I'll actually be able to shape a career of sorts from them. It would be nice.

Steven has one more year with his current teacher, and next summer my parents plan to sell the house we are living in. We will then move south. I was opposed to this previously, because I thought I would be living in this run-down area only to be left there when my parents moved to a senior community. But if I do get social security, and have a chance to save over the next couple of years, Steven and I can move back to the DC area once my parents fully retire. Or, maybe we'll just stay in Ladysmith and I'll buy one of the houses in that development. The place is peppered with houses for sale. I'm sure I can find a small one for me and the little guy. If we live there, Steven will go to a private school for kids with special needs, because the county doesn't have services for autism. They don't even have a website. They have a little blurb about kids being placed in the "least restrictive environment," but that's about it. Luckily, our neighbor has a son who goes to a private school, and she'll be able to help me figure out what to do. Because I won't have Steven's future sacrificed for anyone's laziness.

The quiet honestly feels nice. I have no desire whatsoever to get into another relationship, I'm fine being single, and I need time to take care of myself. Hopefully I'll get into a health regimen that bears results, and things keep getting better. I hope so. One day at a time.


  1. Prayers continue. Maybe God is listening. Or maybe God's time is just frustrating for us. Sometimes it takes forever to get out of what we get ourselves into. Hope your sun and son continue to shine!