Thursday, June 13, 2013

Can't Win for Losing

I had posted something about my blog going private, and it still is. I would honestly like a safe place to be able to record my thoughts and be supported by those who truly care for me. The continued abuse and character defamation from people (even children, be they 18 or not) who only have a small portion of the story that comes with my family drama is hurtful and detrimental to my emotional progress. At the end of the day I have to be there for my son, and I am hoping that one day there will be just something, some part of that elusive thing called happiness, that I can call my own. All I have ever wanted was to be loved. I have known way too much abuse from people who I should have been able to trust, and what's worse, their "family" groups expect me to be silent about it. I will not. I simply will not.

I took my  homeless husband some food yesterday. Before having done so, I was struck with the idea (a very stupid one, I now see) of reaching out to his mother (who blames me completely for where he is in life right now) and asking her to take him in. His initial response to my approaching him was one of wariness, which I understand. I gave him some food, and asked him to go up to his parents and ask them if he could stay with them until he got on his feet.

The letter I sent to his mother was an impassioned one. I will not quote it here. But her response was evil and cold. This woman has blamed me since the first time I had to climb out of the bedroom window with Steven to safety, because the cops blamed me as well. She has seen my every explanation as a justification. What's strange is that while I am now in the place of the first wife who she used to say horrible things about, along with that wife's children, neither my husband's first wife nor his mother have done anything to help him. And it's not about letting him hit rock bottom. He's done that already. One of his daughters is upset about my blog, she's naive and caught in tribal mentality. Graduating with honors will not make you wise to the world, sweetie. Since you're reading. I'll leave this up another day or two so you can get your extra special message. You ain't grown. You're just old enough to go to jail for your folly now, without anyone needing to be held responsible for you. That is the only thing that changes when you turn 18. Oh, and you can get tats and piercings. Wow. Really grown up.

I left my home feeling nervous, wondering how my mother-in-law would respond, wondering how Steve would respond, if he would listen. I even gave him my SmarTrip card, so he'd have the fare. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in almost two years. Her response to my email was "do not ever send me or my family an email again." Fine. I will do just that. But know this: if anything happens to him before our divorce, I am still his legal next of kin, and you will know nothing. If you try to show up, you will be barred from everything. And since you think I like to call the cops so much, that's exactly what I shall do. Since you couldn't seem to get that I was telling you that your son is sleeping behind a building and needs your help.

This isn't even about her writing him off, she's in contact with him. It's about hating me, because I apparently lied to the cops all these times, and gee, we've progressed that much as a society where cops will listen to a nappy-headed distraught black woman over a calm white man. Yeah.

I'm trying not to feel hateful. I'm trying not to cry, but I do. I didn't ask for my husband to approach me with lies, and he still doesn't get that our marriage is over. He thinks that if we divorce, that we'll just get married again someday. It's not going to happen. If anything, what my mother-in-law is currently putting me through has me thinking I'll never get married again. And it's so ironic that she and the first wife now have me as a common enemy. Like the cops were never called to that other woman's house. Like she never had problems with him. Well, I never cheated on him, I never stepped outside my marriage. Not even emotionally.

I am really losing my faith in people. I'm trying not to. But it's going. The state of Virginia decrees that in spite of my husband's current state and situation, I must co-parent with him. So I am trying. I extended an olive branch, in spite of my pain. Luann can have herself and her family; my son and I are not a part of it. She will never see us. She can keep her money. She honestly thinks that I got with her son looking for money. Newsflash: my parents own five houses. We have one for leisure. My parents have never filed bankruptcy, much less two. Only in her sick little world does she equate black skin with poverty and white skin with the opposite. Only strangely enough, it's the black folks in this situation (my family) that have the money.

Whatever. Simply whatever. As much as it hurts, I'm going to move on. My son has made it as far as he has not because of Luann and her illustrious family, but because of ME. And I'm damned proud of that.


  1. Thank you, shel. Please email me your email address: mamakrzewski at gmail dot com. I'm not sure if the people already on this blog will remain when it goes private.