"College Girl"/1 Year Old!

Well, 2009 closed on a good note. And believe me, I was glad to see it come to a close.

2009 was a difficult year, but I learned lots of lessons. I think one of the biggest ones was to take care of myself. So from now on I'm doing that more. I can't give or serve if I run myself out.

Little Steve turns 1 today. I have a toddler. I can't believe it. I still take comfort in those moments when he wants me to hold him (and his bottle!), as I do miss my little peanut.

I can't believe that it's been a year. The past year has truly gone by in a flash, can it have really happed so quickly? I'm thinking back on this day last year, the weather wasn't as cold, but it was a sunny day like today. At this time last year I was hollering (haha, I can laugh about it now) at the top of my lungs. I was NOT prepared for labor. But when I finally released him into this world, and I got to hold him, it was like the poles shifted. At least they did in my world.

My son is like my fuel, he's the reason I get up in the morning (even when I don't want to!!!!), he's the reason I don't (and can't) give up. He brings me immense joy (and at times, like when he's taking things out of the trash can or reaching into the toilet, immense frustration). He's so spirited and funny. I believe that he will talk soon. It's so cute, seeing him try to express what he wants or needs. He'll come to you grunting, and I swear I've seen him stamp his foot a time or two. The temper tantrums are amusing to a point. He's learning to like "people food". His current favorite is potato chips. However, he hasn't learned to completely chew them, so eventually Mommy ends up cleaning up the carpet. Ah, but I'm used to it now.

Little Steve was very sick the week before Christmas. It was a frightening time. He woke up on Sunday the 12th, feeling very irritable. Early Monday morning I took him to the ER because he was running a high fever, and I personally wasn't feeling that well, either. They didn't find anything wrong with him at that time, and they didn't find anything wrong with me. They figured it was just a cold. That irritated Mama, because a cold doesn't give a baby a fever of 103.7. Well, we took him home and kept giving him Tylenol.

When the Tylenol wore off, his fever came back. For a week straight. Two more ER visits, and we learned he had an ear infection. We got some antibiotics on the second visit, but two days later Little Man was very dehydrated. It's a scary thing when you see that your child is not himself. All day Sunday Little Man either slept or just lay in bed. This is a child who wakes up happy and doesn't stop running until he's about to drop. Then it's time to crawl onto Mommy and go to sleep. His fever kept coming back and I asked Steve to look up signs of dehydration. We took the baby back to the ER, and this time they tried to give him an IV. Didn't go over well. Besides the fact that he was dehydrated, you can't expect an 11-month-old to understand why his hand is suddenly on fire. 4 people could not pin him down, two of those people were his parents. After they gave up on the IV for a while, he started drinking and going to he bathroom again, so we were released, and we took him home. A few days later, he was back to his old self. Just in time to enjoy Christmas.

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School starts for me today. I had to quit my job in light of Little Man getting sick, as there was no one to care for him. Steve has no leave, and when your child has a fever, daycare cannot keep them. I had trouble getting my boss to understand this. But I forgive her, she is young, rich, and as yet without children. Her bottom dollar is her bottom line. My son is my raison d'etre. Bottom line for me is that I'm a mother before I am ANYTHING else. I could not expect her to understand that, and as the week went on and he didn't get better, I realized that I had made the best choice for my family, even if it meant that we might suffer temporarily on the financial front. At the end of the day, God meets our needs. I have seen that time and time again. We may not drive a fancy car or live in a big house, but when it comes to love, my son is a Prince among princes. He is secure in the knowledge that his parents are united around him, and that is worth more to me than any worldly accolades.

I'm continuing my Christian studies degree. As I've sat over the past few weeks and thought about my work life, I've come to realize that my unhappiness in my place of work has stemmed from the fact that often I have operated from a different place of ethics than many I have worked with. I believe that the workplace is hard for any Believer. You are supposed to approach situations differently with the knowledge that you have of Christ. But I have come to learn that I'm too much of a caretaker to just make money for people. I have plans for what I'm to do with my degree, but that is several years down the line. I'm choosing to just pray on it and tuck those plans within myself or a while.

As I sit and think about it, I realize that I'm never going to be a "success" by worldly standards. At least it is not my goal to be. I'll probably never be rich, I'll never be a CEO. But I know now that God has given me all the tools I need to be happy in life, and also all the tools I need to give back and serve. I'm growing a bit weary of the materialism in this world; it's all fine and dandy to have nice things, but these days people place their sense of self on these things that they cannot take with them when they leave here. I want to build something that lasts...even after I'm gone from this world. In the mind of my son, as well as in the life to come. Perhaps elsewhere as well. If I'm to "make a name for myself", let it be doing something other than getting rich. I'm not knocking money, it's just that I've seen the emptiness that comes from just relying on that. Our media is flooded with people, youth especially who are placing too much stock in what they can accrue. It's not healthy.

Well, my son is too quiet. Time to go see what he's torn up now. :-)

Merry Christmas

Here's a few highlights from today and tonight:

Little Man opening his first Christmas present.

Getting the hang of it!

Surrounded by a few of the mountain of toys this boy is to get...

Along with his big boy backpack (so he can leave our bags alone).

Cheese!!!

And last but not least, me singing as is tradition every year. Steve didn't know that my family makes me sing every year. All in good fun. :-)

Late Night Little Steve Blogging :-)

First of all, it's freezing in this house. It's not that we don't have any heat, it's just that the furnace hasn't cut on yet. Can't wait until it does. Turns out there was something wrong with the duct layout of our furnace last year, and when maintenance came to fix it I guess it was realized that we were overcharged for freezing last year. Our bill was sky high. We finally covered up the main vent, left the furnace off and used space heaters. Can't do that this year with the little gremlin running around.


Now, on to my little gremlin... THAT BOY!!!

Little Steve is now 11 months old. I cannot believe how quickly this year has passed. I go back and look at pictures and videos of the last several months, and I can't believe that those days just flew by. My son is highly intelligent, VERY hardheaded and very expressive. He loves music. He will stop whatever he's doing to watch TV if the people are singing. We were watching the American Movie Awards a few weeks back (well Steve was, I don't really pay much attention to the TV anymore), and when Jay-Z and Alicia Keys sang their song An Empire State of Mind, my son froze in his tracks and gazed at the TV for the duration of that song. I swear he didn't move. He loves it when either myself or Steve sing to him. I enjoy calling Daddy at work to have him sing the Barney Song.

Little Steve has adapted to daycare. It took only a week-and-a-half. He's now not as people shy as he used to be. I guess he understands now that Mommy and Daddy can leave him in someone else's care, and he'll be okay. Still, it's kind of daunting that he listens to his daycare provider yet not to me. She can get him to eat and nap, but let Mommy do it, it doesn't work. Little Steve also loves to pull down our vertical blinds. He's broken two off, and the entire set no longer works properly. When he starts yanking and I ask him to leave it alone, he just ignores me. When I get up to get him, he runs away with his hands in the air....laughing. Ah, how amusing Mommy is.

With Christmas right around the corner, I find myself getting excited for him. He has no idea what's in store. When we turn on the Christmas lights, he just gazes in awe. We have no tree...because I know my son. Everything is a toy if it isn't edible. He'd probably flush whatever he couldn't eat down the toilet. Wait a minute, he doesn't know how to do that yet...he only knows how to reach IN the toilet. Which is a reminder for Mommy and Daddy to always flush. *eeew*

Life is definitely adventurous in this house, which takes our minds off of the difficult things. I'm trying to be like Reb Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. I try to always be cheerful, but when I cannot I just talk frankly to God. It helps. I find myself getting anxious these days, and I don't want to be that way, but I just cannot understand God's purpose for me. I've always believed that my suffering was preparing me for something, I'm just ready for that something to hurry up and come already. It's very discouraging to think that I've never been able to really enjoy my life. I believe that it's time to. And I want to tap into that joy soon so that the little one who is watching me will live by that example, instead of an example of struggling. I believe I learned my mindset from my family. They always hammered it into my head that life would never be fair and would always be a struggle. But I haven't seen that be the case for everyone. I believe that unfairness and struggle are definitely a reality, but I also believe in love and integrity...and in fairness as well as service...truth. Why can't I live a life defined by these things, instead of bowing my head each time someone does me wrong and saying, "it'll always be this way"?

I don't want it to always be this way. I believe our children watch us closely. I want my son to see his parents as successful individuals so that he can see the possibility within himself. Growing up all I saw was frustration, anger and misery. For years I've lived that out.

It's time for it to stop.

November News

Well, it's been almost a month since I started working. Little Steve started daycare this week, and it was definitely a poignant turning point for both Mommy and Daddy. Little Man is adjusting, but he's thrown up each day this week at daycare. He seems to like the other children, and is very attached to his caregiver. He's also a young boy who likes to do everything head first. He is also very HEADSTRONG. Gets that from his Daddy.

Work is going okay, the upside is that I am working again, I'm getting out of the house (which is good for my sanity), and I'm also seeing how far I can go physically. Hard things: constantly aching feet, small server tips and "office" politics.

I actually ended up walking off the job a couple of weeks ago. Not something I would normally do, but my focus now is on improving the circumstances of my family. That is why I went back to work, and I put on blinders when I go to work. I'm there to do a job, and because I believe that I can work my way up in this job, I'm ignoring some of the things that would normally disappoint me. But I will not tolerate others slacking off around me and getting paid more. Long story short, I was in a store with no manager and a bunch of kids playing around a few weeks ago, and I left. My manager called me and we talked; I explained to her my dismay over having my tables stolen two nights in a row, and also my frustration over the young folks around me who chose to complain and not work, when there are folks out there like me with a family and kids who would take that minimum wage job and make the best of it. She told me to come back, but the atmosphere is definitely different.

One thing I've noticed throughout my life is that I often have difficulty communicating with other people on even the most superficial of levels. Perhaps it's because I don't want to be superficial, and also because my vocabulary is "different". I rarely use slang, and if I do it's at least a decade old. I prefer to just speak clearly. The things that interest me don't interest my peers, and I come across as an old lady due to the limitations of my health. Most of the people I work with are younger than me or related to one another, so sometimes I feel left out. But I try to go in and just give everyone a smile, concentrate on my work and leave when the day is done. I have a goal I'm trying to reach, and that goal won't be reached any faster if I make friends at work. In fact, getting any closer to the intrigue there might be detrimental. Folks are constantly gossipping. But I do feel lonely at times. It would be nice to have people my age around who shared some of my interests. Perhaps that day will come at a later time.

Today was Steve's birthday. Little Steve and I each got him a card, and I got Steve a new dress shirt and tie. I wanted to do more, but our financial constraints won't let us do that. But I have faith that it won't always be this way. We had pizza for dinner and joked about how old we are. Personally, I can't wait to turn 30. I also got in touch with everyone on our Facebook pages and made them wish him Happy Birthday (on time!). I think he liked that. Steve's not used to positive attention.

Little Steve is running around the house now. He understands the word "no", but that doesn't mean he listens. We stay on him. He likes to rip down the vertical blinds. Mommy would love to bathe without his presence once in a while. Especially when it's early morning and we have to get ready to go. It's easier to get him dressed first, but not if I have to change him because he tried to jump in the shower.

With each day that passes, Steve and I marvel that almost a year has passed so quickly. We can't wait to see how Little Man reacts to Thanksgiving, Christmas and his first Birthday. I hope that our finances are such that we can throw a little party. I plan to make cupcakes for Little Steve's daycare friends. Little Steve loves Mickey Mouse, and we've been looking for as many Mickey Mouse themed items as we can. I need to get him a stuffed Mickey Mouse to sleep with once we get his toddler bed set up. I was gonna use the crib as one, as it converts, but Daddy forgot that we had to take the bedroom door off to get it in the room, and broke it. I'm still kind of peeved about that. We can't afford a new bed right now, and both Steves wrestle in their sleep. Doesn't bother me as I sleep like the dead, but Daddy complains in the morning. Well, that's what he gets as he should not have broken the bed. Should've left me alone to do what I was doing (take it apart in one room, reassemble in another). *sigh* Stubborn men.

Well, it's off to bed now. I wish I knew of a way to stop the constant foot aching. :-) But painful progress is still progress, is it not?

Hard Day's Work

I've been working one week today. It's 20 before midnight and I should be in bed, but I know that the thoughts in my head will disappear while I'm trying to make my son go back to sleep in 7 hours. He's a morning person, just like his Daddy. :-)

Well, it looks like I have somewhat of a career path here. My RGM (Restaraunt General Manager) wants to train me and one other co-worker to be shift managers. So I guess, by the end of the year, I will be in management. Wow.

I've sat behind a desk for 14 years and could have probably done the job of many of my bosses. But it took a job at Pizza Hut to prove that I can indeed lead people. Like I said, wow.

I like the people I work with. The work is physically hard, but I think that's just something to get used to. My feet already feel less achy as the days go by. I like the fact that I'm not just sitting there trying to look busy. Today I think a cousin tried to call and prank me at work...but I was too much of a professional to call him out. Oh, if only we had Caller ID. I could have told him we don't deliver to Woodbridge. I'll chew him out tomorrow.

As I was washing dishes tonight, I was thinking that I'd rather work myself to death and be recognized for what I do, than continue to sit year after year behind a desk doing someone else's work and not being appreciated because I don't have a special title or degree. Poor Steve is dealing with that himself; he can do so much, but because he's just a contractor, some of his co-workers feel that they can mistreat him. I long for the day when he's working somewhere better. He deserves better. One of the vows I plan to make when we marry, my goal is to see that he experiences "better". He's had so much disappointment in his life.

Apparently in order to be a manager, I'll have to become a Certified Restaurant Manager. So, I'm finally going down a defined career path. I think I'm going to stay on this path until I finish my Master's degree. I've been too through with Corporate America for a long time. If I manage my own restaraunt, I can really give back. Manage and supervise in the way I was not. Help young people, give folks a second chance. There are many good people out there being passed up for good jobs due to poor choices or even bad luck. I know, I've been there.

Well, off to bed. 4 more night shifts...and early mornings with baby.

Finally....

It has been 462 days since I was last employed. 1 year, 3 months and 5 days. It's been like a prison sentence to me. I often dispaired of ever being free. I did my best to remind myself that this situation was but temporary. I'm happy to say that I succeeded. But I've learned a lot during this difficult time. Tuesday I start a new job (hopefully). I say hopefully, because I'm still in shock, I'm still holding my breath. I don't think that it will become real to me until I start Tuesday night. And I'll probably have a panic attack Tuesday night. What I've been hired to do is not difficult at all, but this past year and a half has been very damaging to my sense of self. I often tell my therapist that it's going to take a lot to reverse the damage done to my soul by this time. I have to learn to believe in myself again, I have to learn to do things for myself simply for the sake of doing so again. I have to learn to enjoy myself again. Still, with all the damage done I can honestly say that I have come through this a wiser person.

Oh, I've learned so many things.

I feel like my life is taking on a new face, like I'm at a new beginning. And that is what I intend to make it. I fully understand the difficulty that I am going to face as me and my family transition into something new. But I'm prepared for that. I'd rather be dead tired than poor and willingly ignorant. And they do sell Red Bull in bulk at Costco. I'll have to work that in the budget. This job could not have come any sooner. My unemployment benefits are set to run out in 10 days, and they never let you know if you're eligible for an extension. Even if I were, it'd only get us through February. I like the idea of my income being based on my performance rather than the government's budget.

But like I said above, I've learned so many things.

My stroke taught me what could happen when I let fear take over my life, and I failed to take care of myself. I will never again let another human being make me fear for my future. Above all things, I have choices. I'm always thinking ahead now, plans A, B and C...and D if necessary. And if those doin't work? Well, I'll just stick the pencil back over my ear and go right back to the drawing board.

The health problems after the stroke taught me the extent of my endurance. I always saw myself as sickly prior to the stroke. Now I know just how much pain I can take before I drop. And that's a good thing, because with fatigue comes pain in my world. I know my body better now, I'm prepared now.

Going on bedrest taught me how to accept help. Given my family situation, I have had to learn to either do it myself or do without. I'm now learning to let people do things for me because they want to, and I'm learning to my delight that those people actually exist.

The isolation of my health problems taught me who my friends and family truly are. There are only a few people who I can excuse from being around, my big sister H and my best friend Z. One is a busy mom herself, not to mention busy at work. I've always known that she loves me unconditionally. She is one of the few. My best friend Z lives far away...but if he were here, he'd be at my side. It hurt at first, realizing that a lot of the people who once sang my praises only did so because my presence served them on some level, but I am glad to have them out of my life now. Simple is good.

Being a mother taught me that I am not my mother. I can do what the women in my family were unable to do for their children. I can and have broken the cycle. My family is still dysfunctional (Mom's side), but I can love them from a distance and still hold onto my dignity. And unfortunately for them, they're coming to realize that Samantha will take you out at the knees for disrespect these days. Allow me my basic human dignity and I will allow you yours...and then some. That's my nature.

Living in poverty has taught both me and Steve that we wasted what we had before. We now live more responsibly, and will continue to do so despite the change in our circumstances. My job is just minimum wage, but it's not welfare. That's what matters to me. So when people ask me where I'm working, I'll proudly say Pizza Hut. It's better than standing in line for the Dole. Now, when my family needs something, we can get it, instead of trying to juggle other financial concerns to make sure we have underwear with no holes in it. I can actually buy my son Christmas presents this year. It would have been very hard for me if I were not able to do that. All that my son has is due to the charity of close friends, my brother and sister-in-law, and his grandparents. Steve and I could not have done this alone, and that has broken my heart. But now I can look at the FAO Schwarz catalogue and dream. They're not as expensive as they used to be when I was a kid.

One thing I forgot to add...the most important thing: my helplessness taught me to look to God. Throughout all of this, my soul has been crying out. I know that if I were to ever lose my faith, I would lose my sanity as well. I am happy to say that I have learned much better how to trust my Father. I'm still a work in progress, but I can see His hand in all of this. I know that there are some looking at my life and thinking it is utterly depraved, but they don't see everything. He does, and with every setback, sin and difficulty He is teaching me and my husband-to-be how to be better people. Getting Steve to understand that we could do more than just survive, we could actually LIVE and THRIVE has been two full-time jobs. But I think he gets it now. He deserves to be happy, and if it takes me a decade to undo the damage that was done to him by those who did not value him, then so be it. If I came into his life for one reason only, I believe that reason was to make him happy and give him at least one of his heart's desires (Little Man). Steve came into my life to show me that there was someone around who cared and who could stick by through all the illness and pain. This time has worn us both out and almost ripped us apart, but we were determined if only for the sake of our son, we would remain a family and work things out. We're like the Bundy's these days (I can cook better than Peg), but it's all good. There's plenty of time for heart-stopping romance. At least we are friends. That is the foundation on which to build a marriage. If you don't like the person you are trying to love, it ain't gonna work.

I'm kind of glad that I didn't step right back into corporate America. All of a sudden I'm no longer qualified to do what I've been doing (and doing well) for the past 14 years. I understand that this is just the reaction to the state of the economy. Why pay me when they can get a person with a degree and pay them $12 an hour? Perhaps without the distraction of trying to make it in The Office, I can focus on other things....like what I'm really supposed to do with my life.

I start school in January. Definitely a switch in my major in the works. History, Forensics, Anthropology? I really like Anthropology. It'd be cool to be a professor, move to some college town and fill the brains of my students with things they've never encountered before. I always appreciated those teachers who stepped a little outside the textbook. I have to be careful not to wear myself out. But I think the joy of just being able to be productive again will give me ample energy. And if I get tired, I can always bark at Steve to cook dinner. :-)


The clouds are breaking...who knows what will come next? All I know is that I'm so ready...

Oh, and my son is walking now. ALL OVER THE HOUSE!!!!

Am I a Soccer Mom Yet?

I sit at times and marvel at how much my life has changed; my priorities, my wants, my needs. I'm happy when I've gone shopping and gotten everything we need for the house. I'm happy when the rent is paid, and all the bills are paid. I'm happy shopping at Wal-mart and catching a good sale. Gone are the days of coveting specific material things, and the thoughts that somehow I'd be happier or more complete if I had them. I go outside and smell the air and I'm happy, because there's no drama, there's no serious want. We're still struggling, but we've made it through a year-and-a-half and God has met our needs.

Christmas is coming, and I can't think of a thing that I want. My therapist says that I need to learn to want for myself again, I need to learn to do things for myself. It is true, I have lost the ability to want anything just for myself. But I lost that back when I got sick; the idea of an exciting life just seemed to loom so far away, and I gave up on a lot of things. I'm learning to resurrect some dreams, but I have learned to let go of everyone else's timelines...and accept my own. There are times when I get caught up in the compare and contrast (with myself never on the positive end), and I just have to shake myself out of it. We are fortunate, I am a great mom, and my child is healthy, happy, and beautiful. He is admired everywhere we go. I'm so grateful for this little boy.

I'm just reflecting today on how much has changed. Little Steve will turn 1 at the New Year. I'm no longer concerned with keeping up with the Jonses. I only want enough for my family; a car that will fit us all (and all of our junk, too). A house just big enough. It's not worth it to me to break my back to have something that someone else will covet. I'm satisfied with my sweatpants and flushed face, with running back and forth to make sure my house is clean and that all my errands are run. Perhaps when things have died down, I'll start wanting "things for myself" again. Right now all of that is in the "someday" category.

And I'm ok with that. I'm a mama now...things have changed.

Haha, but am I a soccer mom yet? The boy is athletic, even if he's only 9 months...