Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Playdates and Xanax

Oh how glad I am I refilled my Xanax prescription. I do not want to be the type of person who relies on drugs to cope with day-to-day life, but my anxiety level has been off the charts for weeks. Every time I run out, I think to myself that I can just do without it. After all, I haven't been on an anti-depressant long term at any period in my life since my diagnosis at 14 (I'm 29 now). But the anxiety is another matter. When people can see that you're anxious, to me that signifies a problem. Few people have been able to identify my depression, but I am determined to be a hard-nosed tough as nails survivor. I have to go on, especially now. It's never been easy, and I don't ever expect it to be. It's just my lot.

But I can't cope with the crying jags in the tub because my day started off at 65mph, and rose to a speed of 90mph and stayed that way until I hid in the bathroom. I guess it's hard to understand when it's not you, not to mention my family has innoculated themselves against my "mood swings". Reminder: get myself evaluated for Borderline Personality Disorder. My mom was one, I could be one. I doubt it, it probably would have been diagnosed by now, but anything to shut them up.

On another note, I think I've found the toddler Oz. There's a rec center near my house that has a soft play room. Oh my gosh, I love that place. And for $4 bucks a day, open 7 days a week, who wouldn't want to take advantage?

I think my biggest guilt trip has been not being able to do more for my son. I want him to get out and have fun, to play with other kids. I do not want my limitations to affect his life. I need rest and some time to myself, but I can go without it long enough for him to have a good time and get his needs met. Somehow I'll have to deal with the burnout I'm experiencing, but for now I'll just have to accept that I have never had the type of family support system that I need and that everyone deserves. It is what it is. I'm not going to let it get in the way of my dreams. Like I told Steve, I've buried too many aspirations due to the will and wants of others. I'm not doing that anymore.

I asipre to have a son who has a normal, happy childhood. My mind was never that of a child's and I don't want him growing up that way. He's just as bright as his mother, but I don't want that intelligence to be used to recognize discord where there should be none. I just want him to be happy.

How happy I am that I've found one more tool to make that a reality. God bless the creator of the Soft Playroom. :-)

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