Monday, May 9, 2011

Back to Square One

I can't say I'm mad though...

I guess this is the way my life is supposed to be, and I kind of want it to be that way. I want to be able to help support my family financially, but given my health problems and the outlook it's given me I'm dead set against working myself into an early grave to get rich. All I want is a house big enough for us to be comfortable in, a car that runs decently, and no debt. I do not want the current American Dream of flashy things that keep you up at night worrying about how you're going to pay for them. I don't want to leave my son that legacy. Especially if his autism is such that he will be considered disabled.

Here's the short story. I've lost two jobs in 3 months due to being sick. What ticks me off the most is that the health problems come from a stroke I had on the job. I won't get into all the shady stuff this job did outside of harassing me in the hospital (they even called to see if the hospital had a notary, demanding I somehow get out of my bed and to that notary so I could get a notarized document in order for my mom to pick up my check...I'm calling the Dept. of Labor on them this week...not to mention all their paychecks are post-dated), and refusing to give me my check once I did get there (I ended up getting discharged last friday).

I'm tired of being treated like a machine. If I were in ideal health, it wouldn't be a problem. Our Nation is used to running 50+ hours a week on "E". But after the 12 hours of running around for someone else, I have no time for my child or my home, and my child needs me. And eventually my relationship with Steve will be beyond repair if we don't find time for one another. And what about my spiritual life? What good does it do me if I'm too tired to crack open my scriptures at the end of the day? What good is a hastily uttered prayer before I fall asleep? What type of walk is that?

My health is deteriorating. My migraines have changed; I've gotten used to being in constant pain and always tired. It's been this way for four years. Social Security told me "you just have headaches", and me not knowing how the system works, I didn't know to appeal. Not to mention I didn't have regular insurance so no doctor could track me. Now I do, and I've had plenty of tests, not to mention this recent hospitalization. But lately my body has just rebelled on me. I've been to the ER eight times since mid-March. The pain meds I take for my migraines are several times stronger than morphine, and that's on top of the blood-pressure pills, the migraine pills...I should be on blood thinners. I've had so many IVs it's insane. The people at INOVA think I'm an addict until they read my history.

I want to be able to do more than just function for someone else. I want to be able to keep my house clean, read to my son. I used to play the piano, study other languages. There was so much more for me out there. Even today I'm still tired, and I have a buttload of doctors appointments to schedule and attend. I can't do this while working. I missed two days of work and then got hospitalized, and my boss sent me an email from the "HR" account saying that I was never at work, I was disorganized, and that I wasn't asking for help. I told her in a nice way to take a hike. She is holding my final check (she wants me to come pick it up so that she and her husband can yell at me, her husband is a tool, he yelled at someone every single day), or else she wants to take $12 out of my check to send it certified mail. That's not going to happen. They're going to end up getting sued. It's illegal for you to do anything other than send me my money, check. I love this country, people get a little bit of power and they think they're kings. Well, unfortunately those checks and balances can weigh kinda's going to be funny seeing how this pans out.

My condition is such that a rise in blood pressure could cause another stroke. I just can't deal with corporate politics. I would love to have a daycare, but I don't even have the energy anymore. Steven starts school in September, I want to be able to dedicate myself to him and his progress. And I've noticed over the past year that my short-term memory is leaving me. I don't know what this means for my college education. All I know is that I have to accept this change. At least Steve finally has. This issue has been a running one in our house for years.

So I submit myself to whatever is coming. Whatever that is...let it be, let it come. I don't want to be rich, I just want for there to be enough. And God has always supplied enough. We may not have a car right now, but we will in future. We aren't hungry, we can pay our rent. We have clothes we have more than most. So we'll see what happens next.


  1. Julie Anne on beliefnet's Anglican/Episcopal board asked if you have been checked for lupus. She said your symptoms are very similar to hers. She is shy about asking your herself. I put a post on the Intercessions thread here.