Transparency

I wish that there was someone I could just sit down with in real life and tell just how scared I am. I try to be strong for the sake of Steven, but my fears just keep coming out in the form of frustrations he does not understand. He doesn't deserve them, either. I just feel so weak sometimes, and terribly frightened. No one is around enough to learn about what my son needs, so what happens when I'm gone?

I know that those around me would say that I speak of my mortality too much, but outside of my son, my life has not been one that I would say is worth living. I've had enough disappointment, abuse and pain. I have buried enough dreams. I have stifled enough tears. And I could care less about what people would have to say when I'm gone, because I'm here...and I don't hear you. Nor do I see you.

I think that the loneliness is the hardest part of this whole situation. During the weekday, when everone is gone, I sit here and think about the world passing by outside my window. It's a bit easier when I actually have somewhere to go, and something to do, but most days are not like that. And I feel judged by those who watch my "drama" unfold. It's like I have leprosy, too many issues, too many problems for anyone to want to come close.

In the past I have tried to hang onto my spirituality to keep afloat, but that part of my world has been rather empty as of late. I understand that rain falls on the just and the unjust, but I can't help feeling like I'm being punished for some mistake that I don't realize I've made. And I get irritated with the people who try to tell me that my situation is not all that bad. You are not here. I'm not saying that my problems are the worst in the world, but they are prolems, and they do burden me.

I must admit that deep inside of me lies the hope that one day, even if it's just one person (and that's all there ever is), someone will look and actually see me. And in spite of all my shortcomings, wish to stay around longer than a few minutes. Because I honestly feel like I will be crushed by this situation sometimes. Since it's not just me that depends upon me anymore, giving up is out of the question.

I'm only human, though. Has anyone ever thought about that?