Tuesday, May 29, 2012

"You isolate, Sam..."

And that is what I've always done. And I like doing so, thankyouverymuch. Trying to do the opposite has cost me far too much emotionally over the years, and I'm really sick of the sappiness of looking for that proverbial needle in the haystack that is a person in this spoiled society who doesn't put themselves first.

I was never part of that group called "accepted", I was always the girl that was so nerdy and so awkward, as to spark hilarity. Even now, I have little idea how to comport myself socially, so I usually end up having that last gawky laugh, that makes the other members of the group that I'm in (only because of some shallow idea or outing that we have in common, like the playdates I go on because they like my kid more than me...until his autism gets in the way and he steps on their kid) cringe and wish I weren't there. I know they don't want me around. I know they feel themselves too polite to say so, but their actions speak far louder than their words ever could. I'm on the periphery. When you've spent a lifetime there, you become an expert field guide on the climate. Cold, with a touch of pity. Samantha, get tested for Aspergers.

It's soon to be summer in the Krzewski household, and cabin fever is setting in. For all of us. Only two more summers tops of being robbed blind by the "other party", and then we might actually  be able to afford to see a beach. But for now, I'm bored to death. Steve's bored to death. Little Steve is going to hate me for that six weeks he doesn't have school, and I have to figure out what to do with him during that time in the blazing heat, without a car. Our apartment complex doesn't have a pool, and there doesn't seem to be one that is easily accessible anywhere near here. The park is nice...but we need water. And my friend is scaring me about freshwater brain-eating amoebas, so the creek behind the complex is out.

Being bored does not sit well with me. I got some cross-stitch material today, so that should keep me occupied for a while. But honestly, I feel very stifled. It's in my nature to create things, and that's not happening. In talking to my therapist today, we continue to agree that the recurring theme is one of feeling stuck. Situational stressors, finances and health all contribute to me having a life that is so different than what it was six years ago. And I want out. I went to a mall (for the first time in well over a year) with a friend a few months ago, and I felt like I was in the most awesome museum ever. Then I felt bad, because I couldn't buy anything. Yes, I've eschewed a lot of the material world since I got sick, but shouldn't I be able to dip back in it if I felt so inclined? I don't want to be greedy, but it would be nice for me and Steve to afford going on a date once a month. Without the boy. Speaking of the boy, he can completely escape the apartment now, without any assistance. Meaning, unlocking doors, navigating hallways...all that stuff.

But back to my stifled spirit...though Big Steve wants to get out more, he's satisfied with watching cooking shows and reality TV most of the time. I want to go star in a musical. Can I ever make that happen?

I turn 31 in less than two months. Honestly, the older I get, the more depressed I get over the lack of action towards what I KNOW I'm supposed to do with my life. I've got to get my mojo back, somehow. Go whup somebody in a singing competition or something, before my head explodes. Ugh.

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