Friday, March 22, 2013

Processing it all...

I don't talk about it.

I don't talk about it in therapy, I don't talk about it with my friends. But it's something that is bubbling over inside of me, and I feel that I must exorcise this, or else it will eat me alive.

I am incredibly lonely. And I fear that I will never, ever get rid of this feeling that I have always carried with me, that the world is passing me by. That life is going on all around me, and I cannot reach it. I know that these feelings of insignificance were instilled within me by the way my parents chose to treat me, and were solidified by my early interaction with my peers...not to mention the five years I spent with Steve. But I feel that only I can be held responsible if these feelings continue to linger.

But I don't know how to get rid of them.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I am terribly afraid of letting someone close to me again. I am afraid of what they will do with my vulnerability, of what will happen if I let someone in again. Not to mention, Steven's involved now, and I cannot have people just running in and out of his life.

Not to mention, I am afraid of men now. I don't show it, but I am afraid. I've come across far too many who blame women for their choice to subjugate the female sex. It is truly frightening.

But how I get when I am all alone, and I look out of my window and perceive that there is something intangible, yet necessary out there that I must attain...that mania scares me to death.

I am hoping that with my emancipation comes peace. I am truly hoping. Because I'm tired of crying when no one's looking. I live in my imagination, because reality has been so cruel. But no one else is truly in there with me, and as I weave my fantasies, deep inside I know this.


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