Thursday, January 17, 2013

It's a New Day

The temptation to stay in bed was strong this morning; I almost scrapped my self-imposed schedule and kept my dark curtains closed. :-) These thoughts were running through my head when Steven popped up a few hours before dawn wanting to party. He was in full-on giggle mode at bedtime last night. It's dark in the room, we're under the covers, and he's laughing like we're at a comedy show. Well in reality, his twitching was due to the fact that his diaper was wet, but he didn't seem to want to go back to sleep after I changed him. And I'm not the most cuddly person at that time of night. Seriously, leave me the hell alone...

But you can't really say that to your child, can you? So I wake up enough to be nice, bite my tongue, and pull him closer, because I know he needs the reassurance that my physical touch provides. His teacher said he was a bit clingy at school yesterday. I know that he senses the undercurrents of anxiety that surround him. My precious baby. Will we ever get out of this? Can I bring forth into reality the visions I have in my head of the kind of childhood I want him to have?

Steven's father smelled like alcohol when I went to get the baby from him this weekend. I have thrown down the gauntlet, and told him that I shall not let him see Steven again. I always told myself that I would not be "that type of woman" (it's amazing the things that I swore I would never do, that I find myself doing; note to self: stop that), that I would never keep a man from his kids. But after five years of counseling, cajoling, exhortations of unconditional acceptance, I can't do it anymore. I always thought that people really didn't enjoy being miserable (or that my mom was the only one who did). I was wrong. There truly are people who do not want to do the work required to be happy. It's amazing to me! As morose as this blog has been since October of 2010, I do want to be happy. The status quo is not acceptable, not by any means. And I know what I knew as a child; due to my circumstances, getting to that place called "happiness" would take more work than usual. It takes work for most everyone, but it was going to take an extreme effort for me, and those like me who struggle with depression.

Apparently my husband does not want to do that work. So be it. But he shall not drag my son down with him.

My biggest fear is that my husband's negligence due to his drinking, would equate to tragedy when it came to my son. I cannot and will not let that happen. Somehow, I will right this wrong. I have to be brave, only take a few minutes to sit down and cry. After that, time to get back up and keep moving.

I think that one of the things that bugs me the most is this feeling of not getting anything accomplished. Well, I'm back to list-making and schedules. I usually don't accomplish everything on my daily checklist (goodness, who does?), but at least I get some stuff done. And these days, I've decided that since I'm at the mercy of Social Security, I might as well continue my education...within and outside of the university.

I have my traditional classes, but since the library is right up the road, I'm trying to broaden my horizons (as well as unearth some old dreams). My daily schedule currently consists of school work, vocal exercises (when no one's home, I'm still shy about people hearing me after all this time), music theory, and languages when I'm done with that. The evening is spent puttering around and tending to Steven. He pretty much wants me to leave him alone with his iPad, but occasionally it becomes time to cuddle and wrestle. I love tickling him, he has the most adorable little giggle, and when you stop, he takes your hand and puts it back where you were tickling him, as if to say "do it again".

Last night he fed himself with a spoon. We are still working on that, but that is the first meal in over a year that he has fed himself, using an actual utensil. He was making progress around this time last year, but we lost that progress when we moved back in with his father. Speech, signs of self-sufficiency, all gone.

I can't do it anymore. He shouldn't have to. I told his father, that the reason why Steven clung to him is because instinct and need told him to. Steven doesn't yet have the capacity to analyze what his father does; at that age parents are deities. But I won't let my child be struck down by this one. Oh no.

Oh, what a ride I have ahead of me. But I have to keep going. I have to. No other choice. Sit down and cry for a second, get up and hustle. It's a new day.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Sam, I just felt everything you wrote! that last line was like a punch in the gut for me:)