Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I've had to break it down like that.

My daily life is now such, that I have to write a list of the things I need to do each day in order to accomplish something.

I just wish it didn't have to be so hard for me.

I once told one of my old therapists that I felt like every single normal human thing took ten times the effort for me, and that I was tired of being a misfit. I still feel that way, perhaps more so now.

Good thing is, that I accomplished all but one of my goals on my checklist today. And that one was just because I called at the wrong time (doctor's appointment), and forgot to call back.

I've decided to start coming to the library each evening, for a few hours. It'll give Little Man time to adjust to someone other than me, and it'll give me time to think. The guilt I feel over my frustration and overwhelm is tremendous...and fodder for another blog. I don't know how to shake the guilt on top of all the other emotions I deal with daily.

But yes, it's gotten down to that. I am functioning on such a primitive level now, that I believe my mind no longer works right. It hurts too much to think. When I think, I think of all the ways in which I have failed. So I don't think. I just move, and try to do what I know I need to do in order to keep my house clean and take care of my son.

Still, there are things that linger on the horizon of my mind that I know I have to address.

Like this freakin bankruptcy. I give myself one month before I mail it off. I bought a calendar the other day, and I need to start putting deadlines on it. By October 9, the package has to be in the mail.

And what about school? I filled out my FAFSA last night, only to get an email today saying that the Social Security Administration has said that my information has changed. Um, how?

Why do I sometimes feel like the anti-Midas? Like everything I touch just falls apart or flies out of my reach? Dude!

I have to go hunting for my son's birth certificate. That should have been here. It's been longer than 17 weeks. Twice that amount of time, actually.

And of course, the ever looming cloud over my head: looking for a job. I also need to make a list of places that give preference to people getting public assistance, so I can find some sort of employment. Any employment short of swinging around a pole or standing on the corner will do. I can't take the sacrifices my family has to make due to my lack of work any longer.

Well...the checklist is helpful. But I do honestly feel like I'm 85 having to use it.

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