Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Thoughts on Faith

As I was driving back from DC a few weeks ago, taking Steve home before I went to an interview I asked myself, "why do I still pray?". I realized that the reason was because that for me not to believe in God would be to not exist at all. I realized that belief in God was a thread interwoven into my being, one that the entire fabric of my life would unravel without. My belief is like the load-bearing wall in a house, knock it down, and you knock me down.

I know where I would be, the day I stopped believing in God. The day I let all the issues, drama, disappointments, stress, questions, anger and sadness get to me. Institutionalized. And I'm not ready for that (I've come close).

I'm not what others would view as a "righteous woman", but I've taken that with the same grain of salt I apply to all the other labels I've been forced to wear in my life. Lately I've been shedding them all, eager to morph into the person that God intends for me to be, once this Perfect Storm ends. And when it does, I'll go outside again. I'll engage with others again. I'll try to fully live again. I'm recuperating right now. I'm busy trying to be a mother when I often feel half human. But my one comfort is that Someone sees what it often seems like so many others do not. It's hard to talk to Him sometimes, but I do appreciate His Witness.

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